I Rest Today

Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.
--Ovid

Today I will meditate for my inner peace. I will have balance in my life today.
Just today.

Having Faith In Change

It is important for those of us who have been crushed by the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction to have faith that life will get better. We stopped "using" or being co-dependent because the behavior was destroying us. Our lives were disintegrating in negative behavior and attitudes. Now we have chosen a different way to live.

Change is happening everyday, I know this. It is not always easy. I know I am not in control of things changing. I know I do not always like the way things change.

My behavior is what I do have a choice in controlling today. I do know that I can go back to old behavior, just like that. I do know that is my choice.
My thoughts are a cause of my behavior, I need to change my thoughts.
Change is happening every second that I breathe. Good change and not so good change.

I will get up and go to a meeting today, to alter my thoughts and then as a result of my thoughts being altered my behavior is then somewhat better.

My Kids

Just feel like sharing my kids. We do have a new addition to the family. She is the pit/queensland, according to the vet on Friday said. She is very happy and loves her brothers and sisters.
Sara is the siberian, Willy is the lab/pit and then last but not least is Bear the corgi.

My life is very busy and full with the bunches of them. When I am not running errands for Greg, my husband, or cooking dinner for Zach or just cleaning my house and going to meetings, the gym or the club, they keep my life full.

I have been feeling the ungratefulness in my life these last few weeks. When I sit here at my computor and I have Bear Bear sitting under my feet looking up at me and the new one, Baby is her name, playing in the floor with Willy my life is good.

I have been on a chocolate phase that is getting overbearing. I believe that is the problem for my mood swings. I have been completely obsessed with chocolate, in all forms, my last kick was chocolate peanut butter ice cream from Baskin and Robbins. I am so dissappointed with my self like when it is all gone, but I cant seem to stop, it feels like my old best friend alcohol. Humiliation and demoralization in other forms, cant stop when I am completely miserable.
Well that is where my head is at these last few months, not sure if the self sabatoge with the sweets thing is because of how I have been feeling with the Jerrica and Jolynn thing.
After letting Jolynn know, about the basketball game and me not going, I to this moment do not know how Jerrica's game went, dont know if Jolynn showed up on her own. and all I want to do is hide.

That is where I am at at this moment. We are invited to a bar b q, not sure if I am up to it.

I do have a good life, I know this. Just need to get my head out of my Ass!!

21 Days Since Last Post

Allowing an unimportant mistake to pass without comment is a wonderful social grace.
--J. Martin
What is the definition of an unimportant mistake? I have been so critical and I know its because I dont want to look at my behavior. I have been the director in events in my life the last 21 days. I have stepped back today and looked at what is really going on. I am manipulating the circumstances again. That is my perception. Now the other people involved, are going to believe what their perception is. I have to be ok with what is going on in my heart and mind.
Starting today Jolynn and Jerrica's relationship is up to them and God. I am the Nana. To the next quote........


Slow down to relish the wonder of God's creation.
--G. Childress

I have not been able to slow down in my mind for quite a spell. Since before christmas. Gods creation is all beings, all creatures, all of the earth. I have not been able to stop and smell the roses for too long. I have been so caught up in me and my poor pathetic feelings. Next quote............

If you can't see more blessings than you can count, you aren't looking hard enough.

I dont have who stated this but it sure is making sense to me today. I have not been able to share on my ladies group, lately, because I have not been able to be grateful for anything. My problem is I have been keeping my eye on the problem and not living in today. When I am in today, or the now, I am so happy, joyous and free it is awsome.
I need help today. God please give me the moments again. Free my mind of all the crap that I have let in, the doubt, the fear of losing, the distrust, the stuff that is none of my business. My business, my part is to just be, be the good person that I have been for awhile, that has a tendencey to get lost in the shuffle.

I love you Jolynn and Jerrica. Your life with your daughter is for you and your God to make happen. Not me. I am free today to be Mom and Nana again.

Today Is Real

Wow have things changed in the last few days! I am feeling the gift of happiness, love and joy! And in the same breath I can be with fear and confusion, because of the event that is unfolding in my life today.

Long story short, my daughter Jolynn, has not seen her daughter, Jerrica, since April 2008.

Details of why are not important today. The real thing in my life today is letting things happen, not manipulating the end result. Just letting it happen!

Jolynn surprised her and they had a loving, crying reunion over at her Grandma Sues house. Since the reunion, which was Thursday, Jolynn and Jerrica have spent the most part together. It is quite obvious that Jerrica loves her mother and Jolynn loves her daughter. The in between stuff, being away from each other, was an illusion, or a perception that was being told, my gut feeling was always this is not right, yes Jolynn does have a part in this separation, she even stated so.

What is important is that love can not be separated by someones perception of how they should be and that I could not try to control the outcome, it just happened.

Grandma Sue said , "I will not let him have power over me", I was in fear of Jerrica being kept away from me as a result of Jolynn and Jerrica being together again, and she is so right!! Jolynn and Jerrica are to be together, and his manipulating has been controlling all of us. He stated to me the last time he brought Jerrica over to my house, the conversation was about of course Jolynn being around Jerrica, and he said he does not want anyone to undermine what "we", he and Stephanie (step mom), have accomplished. That day I realized that when Jerrica comes over to my house we walk on egg shells and try not to speak of her mother, because of the things he has said or even just insinuated about how Jerrica does not want to be around her mother, so I went along with the "accomplishment". When asking her how are you and her just stating OK and then we would go on like there was a big elephant in the room, but don't mention it.
He has had power over me, because I let him. today I am just going to let it be. No more just accepting how he thinks it should be because I am in fear of not seeing Jerrica; and having to go through attorneys to see her.

As the last 4 days took place, I let Jerrica know that no matter what, it is going to be OK. If he thinks that keeping her away from us, and her mother, for her to not worry, she will see us again. And papa will help with the financial if it comes to that for attorney for us as grandparents to see her.
I let her know that no matter what, her daddy and mommy love her, just that right now they are not in agreement or on the same page anymore when it comes to her life.

My Delusions

Walk In Dry PlacesThe Delusion of "Just one more" .........Other Excesses A binge is a chain reaction that starts with one drink. After a grim period of enforced abstinence, that first drink may have brought us intense emotional release and a peak feeling of euphoria. For the rest of the binge, there was a continuing delusion that the next drink would help us recapture that peak experience. Delusion leads us to other excesses. Some alcoholics also binge on other addictive drugs, smoking, food, sex, gambling and power and recognition. In this frantic seeking, our basic delusion is that substances and things can satisfy what is really a spiritual need. Instead of realizing that there is a law of diminishing returns in the enjoyment of such things, we cling to the delusion that "just one more" will bring the relief and satisfaction we want. Delusions brought disillusionment, and only the truth set us free from alcohol and other addictive drugs. Other excesses might not hurt us to the extent alcohol did, but the excesses of our drinking years carry lessons that are equally applicable to other human problems. I will carry out the day's activities knowing that I already have enough of everything I need for this day alone.

It is not the alcohol that I have delusions with, it is food today. Yes some may think, that know me, what the hell??, but for the last 2 months or more, I have be in a binge of food. As a result of that I have put on more than 10 lbs, depending on the day, it is mostly somewhere around 15 lbs. My body does not feel like my own, again. I feel that my life is unmanageble. I am overwhelmed with it, not knowing where to end and where to begin with starting over and just doing the right choices again. The delusion is that I just wont eat the very unhealthy thing, what ever it may be, and there I sit with it again.

I want to feel healthy and somewhat in control of what goes into my body again. It was so freeing to know that I make the right choice of how my body is going to feel today. My choices effect my physical and my spiritual being.

I saw a commercial the other day with Oprah sitting in a chair and saying "how did I get to this place again"? That is exactly how I feel this very moment.

I want to feel healthy again.

I want to be in control of what goes into my body.

I want to be free again.

I know it is not the outside that is important!! I KNOW, but what I put inside my mouth effects what goes on in my mind, my body and my life.