My life today

Life has been spinning and spinning for about 2 months maybe a little less. Greg and I have been at odds for that time frame off and on, mostly on. We just are not in sync. No the marriage is not over, but it just does not feel good. My part/ Not sleeping, was started on flexeril with my muscle injury 3 weeks or more ago. Was not able before that time because of head aches to go right off to sleep and was having to take benedryl. Head aches everyday and night. Went to the doctor for that everything checked out "normal". But he said we can start back on the Topamax which in the past for me stopped my head aches completely. So I started on that about 1 week ago. I have been procrastinating a lot. I have been shopping a lot, I have not been wanting to be the good wife, Sex, my perception is that he comes home, he sits in his chair, if there is something cooked he eats, he gets back in his chair, I go back into my room or just sit on the couch he goes back to the room about 9 or 10 he goes to sleep I stay up till 2 or sometimes 4 and that is with Ambien on board. Our conversations are strained, I feel, like I am bothering him, when he looks up at me from the t.v. something is definitely off. It is not the same as it was 4 months ago, when we seemed to have found it again. I love my husband and want us to be in the same room. I want to be loving and nice and kind to him, because I want to not because Have to. He is saying hurtful things again to me, not cussing, just insensitive stuff. That about 4 months ago he had become aware of the insensitiveness and really did not want to do that anymore. I know what has happened but I don't know how to get back to where we were about 4 months ago. The topamax is working for my headaches, it does make me a little spacey, but i don't think it is all about the emotional imbalance I am feeling today. I will come back later, maybe when I am feeling a little better. I get to go to a friends and she is going to do my nails and do my rock star toes again. I am so looking forward to the beach but then I don't know. hopefully we will get along there.

Happy Birthday Sherry

Sherry is my friend, and I was trying to figure out how to say happy birthday on her blog. I just dont know how to figure these things out!!! Happy birthday Sherry!!! 7 years!!!! WOW

Love ya
Joni

Heavy heart today

My heart is heavy, God is in charge. I am not in control. My daughter is the maker of her life, good, bad or indifferent. Whatever the decisions she makes, it is her outcome. It is her consequence. It is her feeling. It is her life.

I love you Jolynn.

I made it! oops left this as a draft

I am so grateful to have accomplished this day!


On my last post Linda, my sponsor and friend, commented. I post for my release of my thoughts, feelings and just to get rid of the stuff inside my head or just to express something that I like or dislike. No expectations of anyone reading them, yet knowing that my friends that I have specifically have told that I have a blog, thanks to Linda by the way, will read at their leisure. I am so grateful for the comments, because I can take the support, kind words or even constructive criticism and apply it to what ever is going on in my life.



What Linda had mentioned just in a few words completely reminded me what I have so easily forgotten because I was so full of my thoughts. She had used the Pali word Anicca and so I as usual forget and looked it up and this is what I found online, you can read all the way down through my share or just click the link, I believe that is how it works.

This is exactly what I was doing to myself. Dukkah!!!
I only copied the first portion of this, I really liked the reading.
Here is a portion of the link....
thanks for the loving kindness

An Understanding of Anicca (Impermanence)

http://web.ukonline.co.uk/buddhism/page6.htm

Significance
The word Anicca is a household word in every Buddhist country. It means impermanence. Another word often jointly used by the Lord Buddha is "viparinamadhammo "-- meaning "the nature of change." Impermanence or change is a fundamental concept in Buddhism. Without a realisation of it there can never be any rather true insight through which we can see things as they really are.

The Buddha teaches that we can only understand Dukkha and Anatta through an understanding of Anicca. The Buddha however has chosen Dukkha as the central point of a realisation of the truth. This choice is a very skilful method of explaining the realities of life.

It is the knowledge of Anicca, impermanence, that heals Dukkha, suffering. By understanding Anicca, we come to understand that there is no permanent entity underlying our life (Anatta).

A lack of this right understanding will certainly result in finding oneself in the wild jungle of perverted perception, polluted thought and tainted view (Sanna, citta, ditthivipallasa). A failure to comprehend this truth, Anicca, will also leave one unprotected from the false notion of self or soul which dangerously underlies any wrong view.

Unnecessary disappointment, despair, and frustration in our daily life often stem from ignorance of the law of nature, which is change or impermanence. It is therefore very important indeed for each and every of us to understand the nature of change or impermanence in order to face problems courageously in our daily lives; in order to learn how to compromise with one another; in order to reduce unnecessary tensions in our relationships; in order to be in harmony with nature and live a happy life; and in order to make ourselves more and more wise as time goes by.


http://web.ukonline.co.uk/buddhism/page6.htm

How is my now?

Lost, racy, in the not sure of what, why why why..... I am completely in my f***ing mind!!! I have not lost it I am consumed with it!!! I practice my sitting with total distractions! I believe maybe 5 minutes of a 30 minute sit I am in the now. The sick thing about all of this is that I am thinking of absoulutely nothing... forgot Zach's lunch....need to clean my house... have a hair appt. in 1hr and 15min.'s....thoughts of Jolynn.... need to clean my house.... need to go to the gym....need to take a shower before my hair appt in 1 hr. and 10 min's..... I need to get started on the remodeling of this house.... I dont know what to do about christmas presents, I am so not there yet!!! I am not sure why I am having all of these racing thoughts, I have been completely out of my routine. I was down with my back, so my house has completely turned into an absolute mess,it is overwhelming, my back is still in pain, (not near as much)I came down with pink eye yesterday, went to my doctor yesterday and he dx. me with that, I woke up yesterday morning and my eyes were glued shut, no warning at all, I thought I was having a bad allergic reaction to something in the air. Wrong, so I had to cancel my appts. yesterday and once again stay close to home. I am not sure if I am doing things right, I am even questioning my meditation skills and I know as I type this that is a not so skilled thought!!! I have been with medication since yesterday around noon so I am not suppose to be contagious. Linda if you are reading this, I just realized, oh I am sorry I was at your house and Susans, I did not having any symptoms at all the day before, just woke up with it! I feel like such a screw up!!

What ever Joni, get over it!!

I read this morning in my buddha book, and it talked about the five hindrances are expressions of separteness, I feel so seperated!!!

Desire: "state of woe". the story reminded me of my pigmy goats, they could never get enough, the preocupation with being hungy and not with satisfying the hunger.
I am doing that with food today.

Aversion: oposite of craving. rejecting an experience.

Procrastination: Sloth in daily life. something arrives at the sense doors, we experience it as unpleasant or neurtral and we put it off.

Restlessness: being able to be still. Not in the present moment.

Skepticism: doubt, not seeing clearly what is true. STUCK.

My conclusion is that I am STUCK. Where did this come from, is it important that I know where this came from? It just is right now. Well I have a hair appt. in less that 50 min.'s still need that shower, have to deal with the dogs before I go and so my house is not clean before I go once again, procrastinaiton.

YUCK

Good Morning

Did my meditation before coffee, it was making and I did not notice till this morning how loud it was while I was meditating.

Tried with the dogs out of kennel, but they were so hyped up I had to let them out to do their business and let them back into the kennel till I was done with sitting.

Dr appt's today and hair appt. Man being down for the last how ever many it was, too many, I just dont like being behind on everything. Housework, clothes ironing and then holiday shopping.

Oh well the next indicated thing is going to be my mantra for a few days. I believe we have that train trip this weekend. So looking forward to that, never had a train ride! (or a real train, my mind just remembered the one they use to have in hart Park years ago!!!)

Well I am going to have a good day, maybe hit a meeting tonight!

I am also going to remind myself of metta, lovingkindness to all!
Have a great day

What will they come up with next??

This is crazy! Now I think I have seen everything! I guess they have to investigate all allegations, even if it is obviously going to turn out to be a complete waste of time.

I usually keep my opinion to my self when it comes to politics but as far as I am conserned this is just a waste of tax payer money. I could be wrong, maybe it does not cost the tax payers any money for all of the courts and investigations of these idiotic allegations????

AP – President-elect Barack Obama listens to a reporter's question during a news conference in Chicago, Sunday, … WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court has turned down an emergency appeal from a New Jersey man who says President-elect Barack Obama is ineligible to be president because he was a British subject at birth. The court did not comment on its order Monday rejecting the call by Leo Donofrio of East Brunswick, N.J., to intervene in the presidential election.

Donofrio says that since Obama had dual nationality at birth — his mother was American and his Kenyan father at the time was a British subject — he cannot possibly be a "natural born citizen," one of the requirements the Constitution lists for eligibility to be president.

Donofrio also contends that two other candidates, Republican John McCain and Socialist Workers candidate Roger Calero, also are not natural-born citizens and thus ineligible to be president.

At least one other appeal over Obama's citizenship remains at the court. Philip J. Berg of Lafayette Hill, Pa., argues that Obama was born in Kenya, not Hawaii as Obama says and Hawaii officials have confirmed.

Berg says Obama also may be a citizen of Indonesia, where he lived as a boy. Federal courts in Pennsylvania have dismissed Berg's lawsuit. Federal courts in Ohio and Washington state have rejected similar lawsuits.

Allegations raised on the Internet say the birth certificate, showing that Obama was born in Hawaii on Aug. 4, 1961, is a fake.

But Hawaii Health Department Director Dr. Chiyome Fukino and the state's registrar of vital statistics, Alvin Onaka, say they checked health department records and have determined there's no doubt Obama was born in Hawaii.

The nonpartisan Web site Factcheck.org examined the original document and said it does have a raised seal and the usual evidence of a genuine document.

In addition, Factcheck.org reproduced an announcement of Obama's birth, including his parents' address in Honolulu, that was published in the Honolulu Advertiser on Aug. 13, 1961.

(This version CORRECTS that Hawaii officials, not secretary of state, confirmed Obama birth certificate.)

Give it a break!!!!

Oh and oh my gosh I just noticed that I am older than the president-elect, by 11 months and 9 days!!! I knew he was young, but that is really cool!!

What I read tonight

My inner wisdom to your inner wisdom




Beyond Polite Platitudes

Those who thank God are the truly wealthy. So our inner happiness depends not on what we experience but on the degree of our gratitude to God, whatever the experience.
Albert Schweitzer


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When we were children most of us were taught to say, “thank you” to those who gave us a piece of candy or some form of a gift. Although we were too young to sincerely feel the meaning of those words, by and by they became a well-rehearsed, polite platitude we knew to express, or else we’d be reminded, “What do you say to Aunt Josephine, sweetheart?”

Gratitude, on the other hand, is a potent and joyful expression of spiritual manners that is far beyond being a polite platitude, or a bargaining chip with which to manipulate the laws governing the universe. Genuine gratitude wells up from within us because we are overjoyed by the goodness of the universe, the unceasing givingness of the Spirit. From the miraculous way our bodies and minds have been created, to the infusion of the Spirit’s love and intelligence within us, oh how magnificently we are made!

Sometimes it takes a setback of some kind to rekindle our gratitude to and for Existence.
We can be like a spoiled child who takes things for granted. What a jolt in consciousness
it is when we are reminded of what a precious human incarnation we have, even when things don’t always go our way or an unexpected challenges enters our life. Gratitude softens these blows to our ego, and is powerful enough to completely change things around, as we have learned from our brother Job in the Old Testament.

How good it is that we have this month of Thanksgiving to uplevel our practice of gratitude. Let us look around and see the world, our loved ones, our friends, our spiritual community, our co-workers, our grocery clerk, our pets and our pet peeves—everyone and everything through the fresh eyes of immense gratitude. Then just notice how the universe responds to us with gratitude that we are walking upon the earth.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Affirmation:

Today I open my heart with gratitude for the simple act of breathing, for the songs of the birds, the blessing of how I am mothered by the universe. I wrap all whom I meet in loving gratitude for their presence upon the planet.



Man I have been completely taking things for granted the last week or so. It is at times hard for me to remember that today is all that I do have and to make the best of it, even when it is not all so good. I have to remember that I am so grateful for just the simple act of breathing.
My experience that I have been going thru the last week has not been a fun one, and I forget that it is a part of my journey for what ever reason I am to just relax and take it easy and for me that is a hard thing to do. So what I am trying to say is that my attitude this past week has been all about my experience, not good so that is what I have been projecting all around me is not good. I have to remember even when the experience is not what I expect it to be, then I just go through it.

My life is good, and I will let gratitude well up inside of me and so I do honestly believe that all in the universe, and all that are around me will then be happy and joyous and free. What I am thinking then that is what I will be. Think happiness, be happy. When I think there is goodness in all around me, then how can I not be a good and loving kind person.

4 steps backward

I have been completely out of the loop since Sunday or maybe even longer because of the holiday and having Jerrica for the weekend. I have some muscle contusion, quite painful and it is just seemingly not getting better or fact is it is better than it was but not painless.

I know what is missing in my life today at this very moment, but yet I am in this place of yuck, that is so familiar to me, depression,selfpity, the why me's!!

Yesterday after Greg got home, I felt my self becoming aware of ok this is just how it is going to be for a while so deal with it. I got up and tried to vaccum and dust, got most of it done, the parts people see. Of course after that I had more pain than I did from just laying around, but it was ok.

A dear friend of mine came to our home last night and he did massage therapy with reiki, not sure what other techniques but it was awsome. While we were in the session I really had to focus on my breathing because it was at times quite painful, I believe that was the pressure points and then the foot area was also quite intense. I did get relief for a bit, but when I laid down to go to bed it was painful again. I had to take a pill to go to sleep, I tried my breathing and tried not to focus on the pain, it just did not work for me.

This morning I am in pain again. I am not wanting to take the flexeril, it is changing my thinking, my mind is not mine when I am on it. Before flexeril I was able to say ok this is pain, yes a lot of pain, but just deal with it. When I am on the flexeril it is the poor me's why me syndrome, so today no flexeril.

I have not been able to focus on my meditation because of the pain, so I have not been able to practice for about 1 week now, boy this is not good.

I am going to go and do my readings and then make my bed and pick up a bit around the house and then just relax and watch some tube. I hate this place I am in.
This to shall pass.

Love and commitment causes me suffering??

My book "The Beginner's Guide To Walking The Buddha's Eightfold path", I am amazed at how I read segments of it and go wow, I so much need to re look at the way I interact with beings, especially my closest loved ones.

Friendship and Marriage that is what the bulk of my life is about. I am sober today and so I try to not take my relationships for granted, but do I really???

Friends: loyal, hospitable, and charitable: are pleasant in speech and action; work for each other's welfare; treat each other as equals; and do not forsake each other.

Spouses: must be understanding, committed, loyal faithful, respectful, and devoted. A husband must honor his wife, see that she is never wanting, and present her gifts of clothing and jewelry.
A wife is to supervise the household, entertain guests, love and be faithful to her husband, protect his earnings and be energetic.


Editing like about 6 hours later! Man I sure did mess my self up all day with this goody husband and wife thing!! I can take something and totally spin off ! All day today it was catch up day. I have been so behind because of out of town, putting off, getting distracted!! Whatever! Then when Greg came home and I was still working on the house, baking the cake, no shower yet and he was off to the gym, boy was I pissy!! I hate it when I let myself get like that! I have not done it in a while, but I was causing my own suffering, major dukkah!!

I am not super women, I really need to remember that! I will do what is the next indicated thing, even when I feel that everything is crumbling around me. I was so not grateful today for my life, and I have everything to be grateful for!
What a mess I caused myself today!!

In regards to the Love and commitment and my readings I do believe in what it says and I do hope to be that loving, understanding, and faithful wife and try to the best of my ability be a kind and loving friend. Thank God for progress and not perfection, because if it was to be perfect, I give up right now, it ain't happening!! I am so grateful for my life and my loving husband, and my very many many great friends that I have. Do I take them for granted at times, yes. I hope that they continue to love me in spite of myself!
Well I am now showered and had my dinner, did not get to my meditation night. Hopefully we will all be able to get together in the next 2 weeks or so.

Whew I think I am done.

Yippeee!!

We are going to be headed out here soon, going to the Pomona Drags Winter Nationals!! Went last year and had a blast! The weather is suppose to be beautiful and so that means the race track temp. is going to be perfect!!! Lots of speed!

Thinking of Dad

This picture is of my Father and mother in Dec. 2006, he passed away Jan. 30th ,2006.

Funny story about that night. It was our christmas dinner, we were all so happy that Dad and mom got to be with us, we knew this was going to be Dad's last. All of us except my brother, husbands, children and grandchildren were just buzzing around the house and hanging out with dad and have a great time.

Dad always says the dinner prayer and when he was saying it, he was blue around his mouth area, and I knew before that something was not right with him and was getting more and more concerned about whether we had over done it for him, anyway, of course he said no no I am alright, just leave him be, so after dinner, he could barely breath and move. This is the funny part, well it is for us all now today, Greg and I had this breathing machine here at the house for dad, hospice stuff, and they had brought all this long tubing for dad to walk around the whole house with out running out of tubing, so Greg and I hooked him up. Anyway by the end of the night you could tell, like I said previous, he was not doing well on the breathing, so Greg and i kept going over to the machine checking it out, I called hospice, did all the stuff that we thought was what needed to be done for troubleshooting. Long story short the machine had not been turned on and the tubing that was given was not the appropriate size for as long as it was! Needless to say, dad was not breathing well! The reason it is funny is that he just started laughing and grinning real big and just looked up at me when it was all said and done and everyone was gone, he said you almost got me!! Greg and I both were so upset, I thought I had almost done him in before his time was up!! Greg felt so bad! I dont know I guess you had to be there!! That picture is when he was doing without the air, what a trooper!! He kept insisted he was fine and he is alright. So onery!! He was just enjoying the moments with his kids and grandkids!
My dad really was a trooper, he was a WWII vet, he served his country in the Navy in a submarine. That definitely takes guts back then! The stories I got to hear when he was with us during that time, amazed, Dad is my hero!

I got to watch Greg and my father become closer and Greg got to feel the love that my father gives. They would sit for hours together and Greg would have the t.v. off or on and they would talk of all of his times in the war and submarine. He also spoke of his mother and father, whom I only met one time. My father had a grand life, and he lived it with happiness even when things were not so good.
I was definitely part of the life that was going around him that was not so good. But he still loved me inspite of all my stuff! I got to be sober and live a life that he always wanted of me, but just could not grasp untill 1996. I am so grateful that he got to see me sober up and bring myself up from the bottom of the barrel and live a good life that he was truly proud of.
Thank you dad for being there for me when all was down, no matter what you still would love me and hug me and just give me some words of encouragement even when you knew I was still just not there yet!

Sue

Just got off the phone with my ex-mother-in law. I am so grateful for my sobriety and that I get to live my life better today, then the way Sue saw me then.

My life is so full of wonderful people and I realized today that Sue is one of them. The past that we have, and yet she told me today that she loves me. I got to tell her today that I am so grateful that she is still a part of my life and I love her and having talks with her.

Her son is my daughters daddy. We married when I was pregnant and 17 years old, he was my high school sweetheart. I thought I would never love anyone more than he.
Sue was always never judgemental, she was always direct and kind. You really always knew what she meant when she said it. I remember one day before mine and Joes high school prom, she took me into the bathroom and showed me how to put eye shadow on and said see how just a little can bring out all of your beauty. I never thought I was beautiful. She always saw the good in people.

Sue loves her granddaughter, my daughter, Jolynn. She knows that there are good days in her life and bad ones because of Jolynn's choices. Yet she still loves her. No judgement, just unconditional love.

I got to talk with her today about some of my choices that I have made along the way in my life. She asked my why I had married a certain man and I got to tell her the truth, security. I did not love the man when I married and then as a result of my choice to marry he had molested my daughter when she was 2 years old. My family and Sues family went through a very emotional and trying time, because of my choice to marry and not really know this man. My point that I am trying to make and not put me down, I did what I did, is that during all of this stuff she still loved me in spite of myself. 28 years later, because of me being sober, we are able to talk of the things that happened in our life, because of my choices, and put some closure on all of the feelings and thoughts. That man is no longer alive today, he died at a young age 56, I truly believe in Karma. I got to tell her that I have made a lot of mistakes in my life that did not just have an impact on me but on all the people around me and that I am so very sorry for that.

I love my life today! I am so grateful that living a good life and making right choices today lets me make amends to all that I had affected in one way or another.
This kinda goes with what I had talked about earlier that timing is everything in all my actions today. It is not all about me and how I think it should be.

It is how I treat and respect others.

Timing

Talked to Linda about the situation with a dear friend. Trying to get the thoughts out of my head. Trying to understand, feeling like a failure, when in my heart I really know that I am not and that it is really not about me. This Ego stuff, the anxiety , the trying to disconnect the feelings from the facts. Because yes it is, the it being how I feel, is all about the ego, where did I go wrong, what could I have done better, differently, what did I do , what did I say, what can I do, when should I do it, how should I do it???????????????????? Yucky, yucky yucky!!!

Ok Im done now.

After talking with Linda and her suggestion was to meditate, pray and wait for my guidance. So I went to my place on my patio, chilly morning and later than usual because I have let all this stuff just distract me more than usual, got my readings and the first one I chose The language of letting go was on Timing!!

Wait until the time is right. It is self-defeating to postpone or procrastinate; it is also self-defeating to act too soon, before the timing is right.

Sometimes, we panic and take acton out of fear. Sometime, we take untimely action for revenge or because we want to punish someone. We act or speak too soon as a way to control or force someone to action. Sometimes, we take action too soon to relieve feelings of discomfort or anxiety about how a situation will turn out................. Bingo!!! I always take action too soon to relieve feelings of discomfort or anxiety about how a situation will turn out!!

It goes on to say..... An acton taken to soon can be as ineffective as one taken too late. It can backfire and cause more problems than it solves. Usually, when we wait until the time is right- sometimes only a matter of nimutes or hours- the discomfort dissolves, and we're empowered to accomplish what we need to do. In recovery, we are learning to be effective.

That whole paragraph says a whole lot to me..... I am such a reactive person, inpatient, controlling. What I mean is I am the type to not wait and to just do how I feel and not on being effective. My intentions are true, but I can completely screw things up by not waiting for the right timing and not react on my feelings. The discomfort is dissolving, I dont feel the need so much at this time to fix anything. I do really care for the well being of my friend but I also know that I am not in charge of his life and his decisions and his reactions and that all I can do is take care of me and how I react or not react at all and to just wait for the right timing if it so shall come up. I want to be effective in my life. Feelings are just that, feelings. I have them. I dont always like them, but I have to remember to not react on them, at least not immediate. Talking to my sponsor and listening to what she suggests helps me to become more effective in my life.

It goes on to say...... Our answers will come. Our guidance will come. Pray. Trust. Wait. Let go. We are being led. We are being guided.

Today I will let go of my need to control by waiting until the time is right. When the time is right, I will take the action.

My Dream

Woke up this morning from a horrible dream. Had a hard time going back to sleep, it was about 4:00 a.m. So glad it was just a dream. Not sure why all of a sudden I am dreaming about Jolynn. I use to have dreams about her when she was a baby that someone was trying to take her away from me, through an open window, it was crazy, I would wake up terrified and then go up to her crib and see if she was still there. I dont remember dreaming about her for a lot of years since those dreams stopped. I am not a dreamer for the most part or at least I never remember my dreams.

Jolynn was sitting on a twin bed in this little tiny room. She would be talking to me about what I dont remember, but how she was talking is what kept my attention. She was slurring her words and then she would lay back on the bed and smile and then nod off at times. I did ask her straight out, "what are you on, did you take something, are you loaded?" Then she showed me her tracks on her arms, she nodded off again. I just grabbed her and held her and kept saying Jolynn you are going to die, please stop! over and over again and then woke up crying. I hate those dreams when I actually wake up crying.
I have not held my daughter for a lot of years. Since I have been sober and she has been doing her deal, life, I have not been able to get close to her. We have been estranged even in the same room. In the dream it really felt like I was holding her and rocking her, it was very real!

Not sure why I felt the need to share this but there it is.

I have housework to do today and finish the wash from our last week from the coast. Going out of town for a week or more seems like there is a lot to do when I get back. Oh well I will just do one thing at a time and thats all I can do.

I am looking forward to getting back to my routine of things, going to the gym this afternoon and then my meditation group which I love.

My dogs are just laying around this morning, I hope the sun keeps out today!

All good even though

The rain has stopped and the clouds are grey. It is almost 7:00 a.m. and I sit here with sadness and joy.

My thoughts as usual are running amuck! I tried to do a sitting session, but my grandaughter is here and she was distracting, or rather I let her distract me. I have not seen her for about a month so I guess I could wait till I get to the beach and do some meditating then. That is my intention.

The joy first.....
I love my grandaughter and my love for her is so deep. When I get to see her she brings out this big smile and my heart just melts! We are going to spend the night at the beach and then Zach will bring her home on Sunday, she will be back at school on Monday. I am so grateful that she even gets to go with us, she has not been doing well at home, her grades and her behavior have not been up to par according to her father. I am so grateful for her father James, for whatever his reasons were, he chose to not participate in Jerricas life when she was about 3 1/2 yrs old to when she was almost 5 years old. But what he did do was go to school in San Diego, none of us knew where he was at, get a vocation; he had no previous skills and was not able to keep any kind of job back then; a xray technician and then went for custody of Jerrica and has been a constant in her life now for about 4 years.
Wow that brings so much joy for me today. In the past when all of this was taking place I was feeling, emphasis on feeling, like I was losing her. I so made it out to be all about me and what was going to happen to hers and my relationship. The joy for me today is that I get to sit back and let James be the father that he can be, and let him falter and then watch him pick himself up and he asks me for help at times, to take Jerrica somewhere, pick her up from school, things like that. In the past I would think he was just using me, because the times spent with Jerrica were not on my terms only on his. The joy is that I will spend what ever time I can with Jerrica even if it is on his terms, I get to do it!!
That is a big deal for this type! I am the type to make demands on people when I am not and should not be in the postition to do the demanding. But I am the type that thinks that it should and will be on my terms. Wow what a relief to know that I just get to be, to be a part of her life and their lives, Jerrica and her stepmom and her dads lifes!!

The sadness is when I think of what her mother is missing. I so try not to go there, but what can I say I am a mom. I do have thoughts and they run amuck at times. I called Jolynn a couple of days ago, just to say hello and how are ya, or not so much how are ya, just to hear her voice really. I did get to hear her voice, her voicemail and she never called me back. I did attempt twice.

The sunlight is coming in through the grey clouds. What a beautiful morning in spite of all my thoughts and feelings.
I wish I could change things but I know so very well that I cant. I know I need to just be and not react on all my thoughts when it comes to Jolynn. I want to fix her and know that I cant. I want to call her and yell in the phone, what the fuck are you thinking!!! Dont you know what you are doing to your little girl!! But I just get to sit back and not do and let God do and then it is up to Jolynn!

My Higher Power has taken care of me for a very long time and I have to remind myself if HP can take care of me then HP can and will help and direct Jolynn. I just know that I am completely out of the picture when it comes to her future and what she makes of it.

I will not be on for a few days, we will be at the coast for 5 days and will be back on Wed. I am so looking forward to getting away even if the weather is not what I expected it to be!!!

I so love my life today in spite of my self and my thoughts and feelings! I get to have them today and that is a lot better than what it use to be!

Mind is a running

Today is effort for me. I am in a good place but my sitting was a lot of work. I guess that is ok. Practice is good. I am going to ride my bike to the downtown meeting and hopefully the air will be ok. I had a really good talk with Kevin this morning and it really let me know that I really dont have any control over what people think of me and that it is definitely about how I think of them. My sitting was just a confirmation that my mind is a landfill and I can surely drum up a lot of crap and wallow in it for a long time if I let myself do it. If my thoughts are "skilled", I love that word, then I really dont have to worry about what others are thinking of me, because that usually means I am doing or behaving in a skilled manner. When my thoughts are not "skilled" then I am definitely going to act out and behave in old behavior. I truly believe that today. What are my intentions, good or bad, or I like this better, skilled or unskilled.
I am going to get ready for my bike ride and go off to a meeting and learn how to do this thing, life, with some dignity and grace.

So grateful

Just go home a bit ago from a meeting. I am so grateful for my life, more so than I was about 5 hours ago.

I got a phone call about 5 hours ago and it was from one of my old coworkers, who has been trying to get sober for about 6 months if not more or less.
She had been drinking. I had seen her last Wed. and thought she was sober. She told me that she has been sneaking and drinking and her family is in utter chaos. To make a long story short. Before we ended the conversation, she agreed to go to bed and sleep for a couple hours and call me back and I would pick her up and take her to a meeting.

Well I rested for a couple of hours, had to take a benadryl for my allergies and was so sleepy. Got up and got ready to go and pick her up, realized she had not called me and so I called and left message will be there to pick her up and to call me and let me know if she is still going. Well needless to say she never called and I did drive over to her house and all the lights were off and her car was there so I believe she is sleeping one off. Called her back and left another message and let her know I would be at the meeting if she did wake up. I also let her know to not think, the way she was thinking, that I would be upset about her not waking up because that is what we do when we drink.

The gratitude comes here... the thinking that she had while on the phone, the passing out and not coming to, the total my life is not going good that she kept stating, the desperation that she had but not the willingness, the not being able to be honest with her family and counselor; or me, the wanting to see her grandchild and stating that she was upset because her daughter kept him from her, the chaos at work, and the list goes on. But for the grace of god there go I!!!

I know for me when I first got sober my life was all that and then some!
I went to that meeting and got to see friends that I have not seen in a while, I got to hear the message from the heart, people talking of the desperation and getting to the other side because of the willingness to be willing. I am so thankful today that I do have the willingness, sometimes not so easily, I fight my will and then finally let go and just do the next indicated right thing. I am not always graceful, but I have been able! Wow my life is so good today because of my sobriety and the many people in my life that are also sober, and some not so sober that are a big influence on my sobriety! I don't want what they have, I use to have what they have and the way I choose to live today is so much better than what it was!!

Wow what a day!

I have been going since I woke up this morning! I have been wanting to write about the great things that have been happening in my life. yesterday a very dear friend of mine took 6 years chip and I am so happy to be a part of his life! The meeting was wonderful, I have not been to Oildale in quite some time, it felt good and comfy there. I got to see people that I have not seen in a while. A lot of love in that room. Kevin has come a long way! People were sharing of their experience that they had had over the years with him, and how he was then and how he has definitely made a lot of changes over the last few years!! Way to go Kevin!

I also want to remember what I heard in a meeting last night. Aaron shared that he has learned how to live a life with unresolved problems. Man when he said that I totally id'd with it! Back in the day everything had to be solved, fixed or thrown away! If I had known that life is ok even when it is not ok, boy I sure would have alleviated a lot of icky feelings and thoughts!! I lived in so many moments, everything was a moment! And if those moments did not go as I had expected them to go boy was my moment never going to end!!

Today it just isnt like that for me anymore. I can most of the time, just do the next indicated thing, it could be calling my sponsor or one of my friends to vent or ask what would you do? Meditate, pray and go to a meeting or more meetings!! I am so amazed at where we were at and where we are able to be today!!

I got to see the movie that Pats friend brought from L.A. Bills Story, starring Bill W. I had the goose bumps going quite a few times, just listening to him and seeing him in that movie and with Lois sitting by his side! Wow I'm thinking of the effect.... Bill W. Ebby, Dr. Bob, Roland the drunk ( not in this order) But man I can not think of how my life would be today if it had not been for those people to get together so long ago and what they had to go through so that people like me could have and learn to live the life that I have today!!

Devotionals

My readings today were pretty cool! I just got through with my sitting and previous to that I did my devotionals which is reading from 2 books by Melody Beattie. Todays readings were exactly what was needed for me.

This morning the first thing I did, which was out of context for me, was get on the computer and write of three good things on my gossip girl group. My first good thing was having no motives and no agendas upon awakening.

Got side tracked and did not get to my sitting and devotionals until just a few minutes ago and the reading was this.... Holding Your Own

"Trust yourself. Trust what you know. Sometimes, it is hard to stand in our own truth and trust what we know, especially when others would try to convince us otherwise. In these case, others may be dealing with issues of guilt and shame. They may have their own agenda. They may be immersed in denial. They would like us to believe that we do not know what we know; they would like us not to trust ourselves; they would prefer to engage us in their nonsense."

Wow I remember times in my life, before recovery, that my thinking was based on guilt and shame, and so there fore I constantly had agendas and motives to all my being. I so always wanting you to think the way I thought, I had to have the last say in most things. It goes on to say.....

"We dont have to forfeit our truth or our power to others. That is codependency. Believing lies is dangerous. When we stop trusting our truth, when we repress our instincts, when we tell ourselves there must be something wrong with us for feeling what we feel or believing what we believe, we deal a deadly blow to our self and our health. When we discount that important part of ourselves that knows what is the truth, we cut ourselves off from our center. We feel crazy. We get into shame, fear, and confusion. We cant get our bearings when we allow someone to pull the rug from under us. This does not mean that we are never wrong. But we are not always wrong. Be open. Stand in our truth. Trust what you know. And refuse to buy into denial, nonsense, bullying, or coercion that would like to take you off course. Ask to be shown the truth, clearly- not by the person trying to manipulate or convince you, buy by yourself, your Higher Power, and the Universe."


For me today I need to be kind to myself. I do need to know in my inner most self, that I do know what is good for me, and I do know how to be kind to myself. That when some people tell me how I should feel, or act or be that I do have to remember that that is their own issues of how they feel about themselves. I do want to stay on course, true to myself, my health and my spiritial journey. What I do to feel that connection, centering is what is right for me and what others think of me is not my stuff. I will and am going to continue and just do what I feel is the next indicated step.

My day

Since I got home last night with my flat tire, thank goodness for run flat tires, my timing and all my errands and all that I felt needed to get done today is just not happening the way I feel it should be going. My house is a mess, dusty dusty!! I did just pick up my car at the shop, and did get to get to the store, was out of everything! I am now feeling the sore throat coming on and just not feeling it today! Yucky yucky yuck!!

I have been worrying about this blog if I am doing it right or not. Not sure if there is a right or wrong so I guess I will just write what is on my mind and today it is just not good stuff.


I am going to take some time to do a little sitting and then get me something to eat and then I will attempt to vaccum and dust a little before I head off to the gym.

I have 2 training sessions with Rodney left and he is going to set me up with a routine to continue with my working out.
Rodney has been great for me. I am so appreciative of all that he has done for me over the past almost 3 years!! He has been very patient with my ups and downs and he takes my agitation with ease!!

I am hoping to continue with my good health habits on my own and with of course the help of my husband.

I do have a lot to be grateful for today in spite of how I feel. What a life! I get to go to the gym, before I never had any money or the desire to be healthy.

I guess this would be a good place to end this blog. I am in a more positive mood and will just get something to eat and do the next indicated thing!!

Loving life!!