Christmas Day

This was a good day, lots of food, some good talking and getting with the family again. Jani did a wonderful job!
Had to put the picture of bear my chubby little corgi, he was just too much christmas morning, snoring away, did not even know I took his picture!!
Just trying to get back into the health of things, starting Jan. 4th starting a boot camp trainer, it will take away from my monday meditation time, but I have got to get my health back in check or my mind is of no good also. I will be more active in my meditation in the mornings instead of trying to get up at 4:30 and thinking I am going to last the whole evening. Trying to balance is taking a lot out of me at this time, just putting one foot in front of the other today.

way too long

Today is Christmas. I spoke with my dad, he is in Missouri, snow and he was not thrilled with it. Everything here this early morning was frozen, went outside and picked up frozen doggy poop! I for one think it is easier in the frozen mornings compared to the hot summer dog poop!! Anyway.....
Lately I have been so negative, unhappy, sad at times. During this time I use the excuse that I miss my step dad, which I do, but I believe that is not what is going on with me. A lot of changes have happened this year and I believe this moment this morning that my attitude and the reason for the attitude is because of the changes. Resentment has crept in, not the hate kind of resentment, the kind where I would normally want to get even with whomever or whatever has CAUSED my resentment. Just this sense of I hate my life today because of the changes. I don't really hate my life.
These are the changes:
1. After being "retired" for 4 years I am back at work. Work that I love doing, work that gives me a sense of being and helping others who have not or can not.
2. Time, I feel I have lost so much time, not able to find the time to do what needs to be done.
3. Meetings, not able to go to the same meetings I have gone to over the past 4 years.
4. Gym. not able to get the gym in like I could over the past 4 years, body and health are not at the front of the line anymore.
5. Christmas holiday, no vacation time, not able to just go when we want and where we want because of no vacation time
6. Having to stay home for the holiday and not able to go to the beach for Christmas.
7. Grand daughter and my relationship is not what I thought it was going to be.
8. Not practicing my meditation on my own and with my meditation peeps, whom I love dearly and miss greatly.
As I write this down, 1. it seems ridiculous, sounds like a spoiled brat not getting her way, and 2. it seems a lot of it is self inflicted with my own misery making thoughts. I miss my writings, I miss my being able to just do when I want and what I want for the most part.
So yes I am sounding awful brattish. What can I do to change this????????
Last night Christmas eve we spent beautiful time with Barbara and Leon, Zach's grandparents, who we love and adore. We had not spent a Christmas holiday with them in years, when Greg and I got married they were a big part of our lives and for that I have been so grateful to them. They have loved Zach as their own, which he really is not blood related, and he has loved them as his own. Leon is and has been a great influence where Zach has been brought up in his values and morals. Leon has made a great impact on Zach's life and on ours. Barbara is complete unconditional love for that boy, young man today. When she talks of him her eyes light up the room, she loves her grandson. Over a time, Greg and I of course got busy with life and had not been visiting them just here and there, like once or twice a year, and then Leon got sick and I was able to help him and Barbara. I came to realize how much they do mean to me and my family. We had a blessed time last night and I am so grateful for the dinner we were able to cook for them and bring to them for they are not able to get out anymore. It was like old times.
I love my life today, and I am so grateful for my job, my coworkers and my boss. My life is enriched every day.
I am ready for an attitude adjustment GOD...... Yes I know it is in my hands, I love my family, we are going to spend Christmas day together over at Jani and Steves. I am really looking forward to it. I am going to bring my camera and get pictures of all of my family.
To look back before my sobriety at the past Christmas's' what a difference it is today. I really do have so much to be grateful for, the love that we do have, I just need to tap into it.

I believe I have found the answer to all my problems today. Gratitude and love of family and friends. I do need to make a difference in my life and yes I am the only one who can do it.
Thank you God for my family and my friends, thank you for my life as it is today.

My morning today.

I love this life. I love my practice even if it is a bit longer in between each time. I love my awareness of needing my practice. I love reading others journey's of their practices.
I love my mornings.
My gratitude is here today. My life is full and enriched. My family is everything to me. My job is my job. I am grateful today for that job. My friends are priceless. My God is everything.

My life is full.

My Only For Sure Thing

My Breath.....
Since going back to work last week, I have found so true is the only one thing that I can truly depend on is my breath. I am not taking away the family being there for me or my friends, what I am saying is that when I am in the stuff that is happening around me that is completely out of control, I can know for a moment thought to just breath, focus on the breath which gets me back to the moment. I have not worked in 3 years and getting back into that world has definitely rocked my wonderful moments..... I am not complaining just stating facts. I have had things going on in my days since last week that have just completely put me in out of focused thinking, thinking, thinking....... Not being.
My plan for today is to make time for the moments, during my lunch I will take time to focus on my breath to keep me in what really makes me or helps me to appreciate all that is around me and to appreciate all that I have and love.
I am so very grateful for my job, I did not have to go out and find it, I believe everything works out how it is suppose to, especially if I take me out of it.

I miss my friends and my moments of luxury, not having to be somewhere or having to do something but I am grateful for where my moments are today.

I love my breath, I love my moments, especially when I am present for them.

First day of work

Anxious, nausea, excitement, fear, proud..... the list can go on.
I am all those and then some at this given moment, but that is ok. I am aware of my feelings and they will pass on. This is a big day for me and I am going to be present. Wow what a gift. I am ok today. This is what came in my email this morning. How appropriate for my thoughts before coffee and a little meditation time. Looking forward to my Meditation group tonight. Will have to get my sitting in at night time it looks like, trying to go to the gym and have coffee and readings I thing are good for morning and then will find some time at noon to sit a bit and then before bedtime, I think that is the plan for now. God is good today......

September 28, 2009
Tricycle's Daily Dharma
Why are you doing this?
Before you do anything, you should ask yourself why you are doing it, what is your purpose; what course of action are you embarking on. If the path ahead seems troublesome, perhaps you shouldn't take it; if it looks worthwhile, you can probably proceed. First, check up. Don't act without knowing what's in store for you.
–Lama Thubten Yeshe, from “Your Mind is Your Religion,” Tricycle, Summer 2000

Today is a day of learning.

Buddhist Intolerance?
Buddhism is often considered a religion of tolerance. In many ways it is. But a particular kind of intolerance develops as we practice: intolerance to suffering. I use the word “intolerance” to be deliberately provocative, to encourage you to reflect on suffering and the issues surrounding it.
Taking suffering seriously is an important element of Buddhist practice. To ignore it is to miss a powerful opportunity. Intolerance to suffering motivated the Buddha to find liberation from it. Suffering, a feeling of dissatisfaction with life, motivates people to engage in spiritual practice. The Buddha's challenge is for us to become free of our suffering.
—Gil Fronsdal , from “Intolerance to Suffering,” Tricycle, Winter 2002

I like......
Suffering, a feeling of dissatisfaction with life, motivates people to engage in spiritual practice.
A feeling of dissatisfaction with life, boy can I cause my own suffering. This morning for instance, I have been mind screwing myself for the longest time about my eating habits and my weight gain, thus causing suffering. Totally dissatisfied with where I am at with my health. But have I been willing to change my behaviors in what causes my suffering, that is what I also read this morning in my reflection time...... It stated Karma, to every cause is an effect, everything I do is going to reflect how I going to be, do I really want to over eat and not exercise, thus the effect is not feeling healthy and good about myself, which then the self pity, poor mes, then the feeling of less than, then the frustration of eventually not fitting into the hundreds of clothing I have in my closet....... the list goes on and on.

Do I really want to send my husband off to work with an unkind word or a sulking disposition because I don't like who I am or what I am feeling. Cause is self pity once again and the effect is making others around me suffer along with my misery.

I am noticing more and more that everything I do has an effect with me and around me, not just me but all that I come into contact with.
I am hoping today that I take these thoughts with me, during my luncheon with my mother and her boyfriend. I hope today that I can do the right thing, react the right way, or just don't react at all and accept all that is going on around me at that given moment, good, bad, uneasiness, distaste, sadness, fear, loss. You see my mother has invited my sister and I to a lunch with her boyfriend, whom is African American, that is not the issue, but he seems to bring that up with her all the time, so I believe that is his issue. But anyway we are going to as per his request discuss that fact that my mother and him are in love and she is going to be moving in with him in the near future. Today I am so OK with what ever she wants to do with her life is her business, but the issue with me is that this man, in my opinion is not really who he says he is in all his affairs, but that being said I am going to go with an open mind, and not think of what he thinks I am, it really is important of my thoughts of him, being kind, gracious and able to listen and not react to my thoughts of what they are going to be doing with their lives.

Practice Practice Practice......... that is all that I can do. Do the best to apply my principals that I have learned from AA and my spiritual journey.


Karma.... cause and effect...... what happens at any given and how I react to what happens in any given moment will effect my next moment and the next and the next.


Think think think................

Just read this after my previous post.

Become Aware of Awareness

The goal of attention, or shamatha, practice is to become aware of awareness. Awareness is the basis, or what you might call the “support,” of the mind. It is steady and unchanging, like the pole to which the flag of ordinary consciousness is attached. When we recognize and become grounded in awareness, the “wind” of emotion may still blow. But instead of being carried away by the wind, we turn our attention inward, watching the shifts and changes with the intention of becoming familiar with that aspect of consciousness that recognizes Oh, this is what I’m feeling, this is what I’m thinking. As we do so, a bit of space opens up within us. With practice, that space—which is the mind’s natural clarity—begins to expand and settle.

–Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, from “The Aim of Attention” from the Summer 20009 issue of Tricycle

I am so grateful that I am "getting it" for the most part. Becoming aware of what is happening and just being the feeling, thought for me is an awsome feeling. I love When we recognize and become grounded in awareness, the “wind” of emotion may still blow lets me know that even when life is just happening all around me, Leons stuff, his wife Barbara's stuff, the pharmacy stuff with their meds....... the list can go on and on and even though the list can go on and on I am able to say ok this is what is happening, this is definite anger, frustration.... and just do the next right thing and not have to try to control it make the feelings go away, just be and then it then passes on! I have for a bit now been in some crazy frustrating situations that before my becoming aware and watching my feelings and reactions I would have just lost it, today I am for the most part able to sit back breath and oh ok this is not how I was thinking it should go but ok what is the next right to resolve what ever it may be or just to realize I cant resolve everything it is just what it is!! Whewwwwww! that is a big big deal for this sick puppy!!
Lovin my life more and more each day, being so grateful for even the not so good stuff is pretty cool stuff.

Just one day at at time

It has been a good week overall. Greg has been out of town with the boys on their big AA, well not AA, but AA guys about 200 of them. He will be home Sunday. I miss my hubby, but it is good that we are able to let each do our own thing, what a deal, my relationship with my husband! I am very lucky and grateful for him.

I got 3 butt kicker workouts in and for me this month that is pretty good. Apparently I do have a thyroid problem not anything to get all up in arms about like my twin sister, but I have put on about 20 lbs in about maybe 6 months to a year somewhere around there. I remember when I was 25 lbs lighter, way to small and I went to the Dr. at that time for what ever reason I was all in my head about my weight and he looked at me pretty disgusted and said if I was to line you up with half my patients who come in with weight problems, you would really be disgusted with yourself for even thinking that, I was so mad at him, he did not do things the way I wanted him to. So when I went to him 2 days ago, he was quite concerned with my labs I had taken with another practitioner and he is repeating them and then we will go from there. Fatigue has been a major factor and I have been getting really good sleep without ambien, swelling of limbs and weight gain of that much when I do for the most part try to watch or at least be aware of what I do eat. Exercise has for the most part been a part of my routine, some form like the gym, bike riding, spinning class, walking what ever some form.

So today I am happy that I did get my exercise done and had my bowl of Special K with blueberries and did my sitting and prayer time. Have to get going on my getting ready for my Friday Thank God Group commitment and get my day going.

I am hoping to hike tomorrow and then on Sunday go for a bike ride with my good friends. I just got to get up like I said it has not been good sleeping time without my hubby.

I guess I just needed to get this off my brain. This is where I am at today. I really am not obsessing over my body but I have just really not been feeling up to par and it is always good to know what and why I have not been feeling really well.
My appt. with my Dr. for follow up labs is next week and then I go from there.

Staying in the present moment

I am becoming more and more aware of just really how important staying in the present moment really is for the better for me and thus better for all I have come into contact with. My readings, (mind blank on title) has been talking about, my perception of what I have been reading, being alone and the meaning of alone is in the present moment, not isolating, staying out of society. If I am to be thinking about the past and or the future I am destroying the present moment. If I am to become aware that thinking of the past or future is destructive of my present moment then in turn I am able to repair the past and make way for a better future. I get that today, this very moment. Before becoming aware of my present moment, I use to just stay stuck in my past doings, regret, anger, despair would always surely be in my thinking thus making me so miserable in my present. Thinking of my future, like how am I going to be looking like, how is my health going to be, am I going to live a long and healthy life, Is my daughter going to be OK, is my granddaughter going to still want to spend time with me, all that fretting over the future is definitely not prosperous because it keeps me stuck in that thinking and not wanting to take care of my present moment, health, happiness, relationships in this very present moment. When I use to come across readings of this type a while back and also not to far away from this very moment, I use to say what the heck is this reading trying to teach me, I just couldn't comprehend the meaning of the gibberish I thought it was, today right now at this very moment I am awakened into a new phase of my present moment and how important it is to stay right here right now and work on what is happening right here right now and then I may be at this very moment making a better future for me and all that I do come into contact with in my future and also repair my past. WOW pretty cool stuff.

Reading for today, hope to share later on just whatever.

What's the biggest obstacle to meditation practice?

There are always obstacles to daily practice. Some are quite obvious: traveling, staying up really late, changing your schedule a lot. For the most part, I've found the difficult obstacles to be the ones that come from within, those mental tricks we all use—you know, it's early, it's cold, I can't sit. The biggest obstacle is just the mind. You think you've got to get up right away and make some phone calls, or have breakfast, or go do this other thing. Your mind always tries to play these tricks. Things suddenly seem really urgent. For me the solution has been to create a schedule, to find myself some disciplined time, to just get up every day at seven no matter what. I've made a habit to get up, brush my teeth, sit—in that order—before I do anything else. And then, of course, after you sit you finish and you say to yourself, "What was so urgent that I felt I couldn't sit?"

–Dan Rosenberg, from "Making Time to Meditate," Tricycle, Spring 2001

A beautiful Day

Had a great day with a few friends. We went on a hike up to Sunday Peak trail, up above Greenhorn summit. Alta Sierra but I know it as Greenhorn summit. Anyway it was a beautiful day, I thought I was going to be to cold so I wore a t-shirt instead of the tank and it was warmer than I expected but it was perfect. Not to hot and not even cold. Just right. Man at the start of the trail it automatically just started a steep climb and I thought at that point what the hell I am not breathing well. Well the elevation at that point I believe is about between 7000 or so and the hike up was only about 1.75 miles to the top. Quite a climb in a short distance so it was mostly up and pretty steep. Not to long into it I started getting acclimated to the altitude and then I was good to go. So pretty. Looking forward to more hikes. I really want to start doing and going places with my friends biking, hiking and road trips. We will see.

Back to the Basics

I am going to go back to the basics of my practice of sitting. I have been frustrated, inconsistent, and completely lacking any discipline as I had before. I am going to go back to 90 sits in 90 days. That means getting up at the same time every morning with the same routine of turning the coffee pot on and then sitting for 20-30 minutes before anyone in the house wakes up, except for the dogs of course.
I have been preoccupied with life these days and for me that is not necessarily not unhealthy but when out of routines I just falter and give in to "fuck it" mode.

My sit this morning at 5:00 a.m. was work, and that is what it was like for me in the beginning. So focus on breathing,sit in my same place every morning for the next 90 days and I know I will see a difference in my whole being, mind body and spirit.

Moment of Silence.....

Senator Edward Kennedy dies at age 77.

Liked this quote, another good reminder for me.

A student asked:
"For all the different people who have come to listen to your words, please tell us about the way you have found and known."
The Buddha answered:
"When you take things it is because of a thirst, a clinging, and a grasping. You should lose that and lose it altogether, above, below, around, and within. It makes no difference what it is you are grasping. When you grasp, you are losing your freedom. Realize this and grasp at nothing. Then you will cease being a creature of attachment, tied to the powers of death."

- Sutta Nipata

Irritable and discontent

Just is today. I have been so irritable and discontent for quite some time now. I did do my meditation and some prayer time this morning. I woke up with a flippin head ache. This is where I am at today. I am not feeling good physically.
I did go to the Thank God Group at noon and boy was I really wanting to scream shut the fuck up, but I didn't. This newcomer from Mexico, I was not going to say, but she said it probably 20 times in her 15 minute share, and her share was not anything of Alcohol, the meeting turned into cross talk and just shit...... That being said.... I left there feeling better than I did when I got there. I today know that my thoughts are what keep me insane, me, me, me, me, me. So listening and working through the thoughts is what brought out of my shit. mostly out....

I have to take Leon to the Dr. at 4:00 which usually means I will be gone for about 3 hours and which means I will probably not make it to my group again this week. I have to do what I have to do. Have been watching his blood pressure for about 4 days now, per the Dr. and it is getting worse and his feet are beginning to swell. I called the Dr. hoping to get him in this morning and nope not the case only this afternoon and she let me know they are going to work him in. I get to do this today, I really do love helping people I love. He looks puny today. I am concerned for him again, he was doing better, not really sure what is going on with him. The transfusions do a lot of damage because of the iron increase and he has had many of them, the Dr.'s are watching him closely.
Barbara is being taken care of today by Zach, he is helping. Zach is a great son, grandson, brother to his half siblings. He is there when needed, not always happy about it, he is just like Greg and I both, we know that working with others is always better for us, but doing it sometimes is a chore, selfish and self centered.

I love my life today, even when it just doesn't seem to go my way all the time.

I love going to the TGG at noon and spending time with others like me, and seeing my husband and his sponsee's work together. Sharing and loving.

Greg and I are going to meet Rob and his wife at 530 tomorrow morning and do some narly workout that he has done in the past, something like 50 jumpropes, sit ups, dumbbell work and a lot of other pretty cool stuff, I love working out with my husband. It is fun, we will see how hard it is tomorrow. I will be meeting Robs wife for the first time, I hear she is just like me, per Rob. He was a little aprehensive at first to get the two of us together, he was joking.
It is all good, well I better get ready and get my act together to go get Leon and take him to the Dr. I really needed to vent a lot of this puky stuff out.

My Birthday

Today is my birthday. Today is also my sisters birthday, we are twins! Interesting. 49 years old today, I have a fantastic life, have let my health go lately as far as diet, need to still lose 20 lbs. Before you know it, it is there, and not easy task to take off! Today we are going to go to my sis' and have a great Birthday dinner with the family and definitely have Jakes Tex Mex chocolate sheet cake, mine and Jani's favorite. Will worry about the 20 lbs tomorrow. Last famous words. Life is good, I am mostly content daily, just when I get into my head and it starts becoming all about how I look that is when it gets not so good. I do like to look at my health and keep up with it, and when I am not feeling good, physically that is when I need to step it up, I am there once again.
Its all good, 13 years sober and 49 years old and still pretty healthy, who could ask for more!

Reflections of our lives. Grandpa Leon

I am taking care of a loved one, my sons Grandpa Leon. I have been spending a lot of one on one time with him. What I have noticed in the few times that I have been able to care for someone that is going through the process of death, that the reflecting of ones lifetime from almost the firt memory in our lives is a very moving and wonderful experinence to be a part of.
Leon is reflecting and I am getting to be a part of those wonderful childhood memories, the gratitude and the sadness and the joys and even the regrets that come up during this process is moving. I sit and listen and ask questions.
He is a great man, a loving family man, a loving son, a loving Grandpa, a loving husband. He adores his Alabama sisters and wishes he has just one more trip, I dont think that is going to happen, so we are making the best of it with his memories.

I love this life of mine, the places I have gotten to go on this journey of my life, I would not change anything in it.

Thought provoking quote for today.......

Are White Lies Ever Ok?

Telling your hostess she looks divine may or may not be true but it's kind. She doesn't really want to know that you think she should never, ever wear that shade of blue. You can sidestep an outright lie with a vague comment like, "What a color!" or "How chic you look!" In your heart you'll know the truth.
Some people are incapable of telling lies. They stake their reputation on saying exactly what they think, no matter whose feelings are hurt in the process. But candor without wisdom or compassion diminishes both sender and receiver. Kindness, on the other hand, bathes everyone in a positive light. Even the Talmud endorses the well-intentioned fib: "You may modify a statement in the interests of peace."

- Joan Duncan Oliver, Good Karma (Duncan Baird Publishers)

Greg just cant win, he can comment on how I look, no matter it be a white lie or the honest to god truth and I can slam him because of how he said it or what he said, good or not so good!! I love my husband, he loves me in spite of me!

I like "You may modify a statement in the interests of peace." I am so willing today to think of others in most scenarios, it for me is about not speaking without thinking most times. I am still a work in progress!!

Just a Quote

One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.

- Sigmund Freud

Feeling good today

Just did a whole week of working out everyday at the gym, 2 days of weights and 3 days of 1 hour of cardio. I used the rowing machine for the first time on Friday and man was that a workout! Today is what I get to call an off day, eat what I want, when I want, and how ever much I want. It is a program from bodyforlife.com

You know I have been trying to find something that fits for me that does not involve eating weird stuff to lose weight fast methods, I cant do that stuff anymore, it all just comes back on and then some. What I am doing is just eating balanced meals of protein carbs and fats 6 times a day. Small portions, which is described as the clenched fist or the palm of my hand sizes and no sugars, desserts type stuff. Then on the off day I can indulge in what ever my heart desires. Anything!!!!! (well with the exception of alcohol, being a recovering alcoholic has something to do with that) but anyway that is how it works and so far so good, I am feeling so good on a daily basis, loads of energy, which does not feel like hype energy, just natural energy and able to go to bed at reasonable time energy. Not hungry during the day, just totally satisfied, not craving either, I think knowing that I have an off day is why I have not obsessed over things not to eat!! Today I have had so far, breakfast was blueberry pancakes, lunch was a grilled almond butter and blueberry sandwhich (my creation!! it was great) and then I baked a gluten free chocolate cake and had a small piece of that so far. I am feeling satisfied, and I am not going as crazy as I thought I was going to do. I thought I was going to just gorge myself and so far havent had the thought. Going to have something sinfully good for dinner, not sure what, to full to think of it yet and then top it off with probably another piece of cake and then tomorrow back to the watching and fixing the good stuff for me. The program talks about how when you have an off day it really does enable you to stay focused on what you take in during the on week and your portions and how to balance the meal and then you just get to unload on one day of your choice a week. Also changing the eating habits on the off day does put the body in a have to work mode so to speak and will boost the metabolism up a bit and that is how it works, supposedly something like that, I just know that as of today Greg so far has lost 3 lb.s and I 2.5 lbs.
Its all good. I am getting up there in age these days and I just want to be healthy and able to continue living my life to the fullest and when I am not "feeling" healthy by my bad choices of what goes into my body then I am not so happy and just dont feel good. Balance and practice.

Jolynns Tatoo on her birthday

U.S.N. MoMM1c Don Wigall 1921-2006 Her Granpa's Naval rank.

31 years yesterday

My daughter Jolynns birthday was yesterday. She has turned 31! Jerrica spent the day with Greg and I while her mother got a new tatoo, and what ever else she did and then Sara came and picked Jerrica up and they were going to Bar B Q over at Jerricas other grandpas house. Jerrica loves spending time with her mother. She has not been at my house as much as I thought she was going to spend. When she comes and visits, she says that she is not going to spend the night because she wants to be with her mom. I love hearing that. That is what getting the attorney and helping the best I could to let Jerrica see her mother again. Jolynn did not get to see Jerrica last year, James her daddy was keeping Jerrica away. This has been a pretty good thing so far. Jerrica is very happy and content, so that makes Nana very happy and content. She spent the day playing with her Nintendo DS and then she painted her horses with the kit I got her and the cartoon kit also. Watched a movie and then was on the computer for a while. Life is good. Is this how I thought Jolynns birthday was going to be, no, but you know what today it is all good, I am not in control of how my daughters birthday or any other day goes, just seeing Jerrica smiling and happy is what is most important to me.

Nasal lavage

Need I say more!!! :) Interesting, but hopeful of getting relief. Thanks Linda :)

Universal Studio

Exhausted! I am still recovering from yesterdays wonderful family trip. Greg,Zach,Jerrica and I got to go to Universal Studios! Wow it sure has changed from at least 15years or more that I had been there. Ate a churro of course and on the way home of course when Zach and Greg are with me their favorite is In and Out burgers so I had one of those, it has been a long time for that too! I was a great day. Jerrica was exhausted, she slept in till noon today according to her mom.
Got back to the gym today even though pretty wracked but I have got to get back into the routine. Tomorrow going shopping for our food to get on with the program we have opted for, which is just to eat good, no sweets and plenty of exercise. Sounds like a plan. Did not go with Greg tonight to his meeting, allergies are pretty bad, will go tomorrow and get what my dear sponsor suggested, lavage, will try anything at this point.
I love spending as much time with my grand daughter Jerrica and my 2 favorite men, what a blessing!

A Day of Memories

I watched today the Memorial Service of Michael Jackson. I was taken back to my childhood days. I have very fond memories of Michael Jacksons performances and his songs that impacted my life. I did not realize it till today, the times we shared as a family in our room and around our house as children playing his, their music. Role playing as we "performed" with our "microphones" and played our organ, like we were the stars singing and dancing along with the Jackson 5. Growing up with his music and the changes that he did make in the music industry. I do see him in a different light today, a father, a son, a brother and a friend of many who will miss him dearly. I feel blessed that I got to watch the family and friends come together and honor him and be able to say good bye.

CNN did a very tasteful and respectable live tribute to Michael. On the other hand I was watching Fox in the beginning and for the most part all I was hearing was a lot of negative comments from the commentator and had to just turn it off and I am so glad that CNN did a wonderful coverage of this amazing memorial service for the family and his fans.

I was laughing and smiling and crying and sad, all of these feelings were present this morning. My memories of Michael are cherished.

Very Lazy Day

Transitioned back to regular food.
Woke up this morning with such bad allergies, could barely breath through my nose, severe sore scratchy throat, just plain miserable, put the dogs outside so they could relieve themselves brought them back in and put back in kennel and took a benedryl and went back to bed and did not wake up till 11:00 am. Crazy lazy day since then.

Last night over at our friends house, Suzan and Joe, was a wonderful time with lots a friends and with our granddaughter Jerrica. The fireworks were really cool and the weather was perfect sitting out in the 18Th fairway of Bakersfield Country Club. The dessert was fantastic, I was not going to eat it, but it was homemade and you know I just wanted it. It was a great decision, it was to die for. I think it was called better than sex ice cream cake, kudos to Joe L.'s wife, she got a standing ovation from us all, that was fun. When Greg and I left I told him that man we have some awesome friends, he agreed.
You know since being sober my life has completely changed even in the circle of my friends. I told Greg last night that I was thinking about this the last time I had left Joe and Suzans house last week from our meditation group we do weekly, I thought as I was driving away from their beautiful home in the Country Club area that who would have thought, me, this drunk, addict that I was hanging out with people like Joe and Suzan, Linda, Maureen and all the others. Back in the day I had to do my best to hang out with the type that I thought I was better than, and that was pretty low stuff. I did not feel good enough to hang with the likes of people that I get to today. What I am saying is I am so very grateful for my sober friends and for my sobriety. It has definitely changed my whole way of life. I am as good as any one I come in contact with no matter what their position in life is and you know what I am no better than anyone also!! That is a big deal for this type.

Moment of Silence for my friend Clyde

Day 5

Doing good, had a very busy day. Did not go as according to schedule but it went well, it seemed to me that every where I looked today there was every kind of not good for me food all around. Candy bars, donut middles, big old corn dogs and french fries and big juicy hamburgers. I did good. I was out in the real world today and so far so good. I am transitioning into whole food tonight. Will still be drinking my green drink and my fruit antioxident berry smoothie and then have a balanced dinner and no desserts or snacking. That is how I am going to do for a few days and then back to the routine again. It has been very good for me, helping me to let me know that I am not living to eat, just eating to live. I have not had the obsession of food for a few days now, just trying to focus on feeding me when needed. And the drink is satisfying.
Greg is not well with his diverticulitis, it is hurting pretty bad, he is off for a few days.
Talked with Mark today and I am really excited that he is getting ready for his vipassna experience.

Had a really good time with Lauri and her grandson Adam, Jerrica and I went bowling with them this afternoon. It was good to spend some really good quality time with my friend. And of course with Jerrica, her momma and Sara came also and we had fun.

All and all a good week.

Into day 3

Doing pretty darn good so far. Day 2 was a little tough for me. I tried to make a veggie drink for my lunch with just throwing some stuff in the blender, was not good, icky icky, will stick to the green drink, just want to get through this as gracefully as possible for my well being. The most important thing about this detox is that I am going to go through the withdrawals of no more sugar and no more white flour, cakes, cookies, breads that are not whole food. I was just completely out of control for quite some time now and as a result of the crazy way of consuming anything and everything without thinking it through, I have felt not well physically and when that happens I tend to just say the f**k its and off and running self will run riot. Stop going to the gym regularly, stopped doing my meditation regularly, just f**k it. I don't want to do that anymore today.
Went for a hike this morning with Debbie we did about 2.5 miles of hills and I was weak from the moment we started, I did not have anything before I went and my body is detoxing, I can taste like an aftertaste of metallic type. Urinating a lot, and it seems funny to me when I take my vitamins and not really eating right and that kind of stuff, when I go to the bathroom my urine is usually really bright yellow because of my body just dumping out the vitamins I took, but since detoxing I have not had that effect, must be all the fluid I am expelling, I don't know anyway, not sure how I got on to that subject. All is good today. I am going to make a different soup recipe for my delicious pureed soup for dinner. It really is good with all the herbs and veggies. I look forward to that.
I had originally said 10 days but it looks like on Thurs. I am going to transition into eating some light salads and then by Saturday I will be able to participate at our friends house for the 4Th of July celebration. Not sure what I will eat, but I am going to do my best to be good. Oh well just stay in today.

End of day 1

Not bad, having my green tea now, ate my or should I say drank my dinner. I really have not been hungry, which is a good thing. This is a time consuming detox, keeping everything on time, drink, veg drink, cheater drink, teas, cleansing herbal pills and enzyme pill.
Here is the schedule
Daily Schedule
Daily Schedule For - 21 Pounds in 21 Days:
The Martha’s Vineyard Diet Detox

8AM
Inner Cleanse Daytime Formula- per container directions
8AM
1 oz of liquid Berry or 1 oz of liquid Berry with 6oz of water
1 Digestive Enzymes—purchase at health food store
One cup [1] of hot/iced Herbal Tea—(add stevia optional)
1 8oz glass of water [2]
9AM
1 8oz glass of water
10AM
1 8oz glass of water mixed or blended with 1 scoop of Essential Greens
11AM
1 8oz glass of water and or hot/iced herbal tea
12PM
1 8oz glass of “live” fresh juiced vegetables
If you’re not juicing -mix or blend 8oz of water with 1 scoop of VegeSplash
Fresh juiced vegetables are highly recommended
1 Digestive Enzyme
1PM
1 8oz glass of water and or hot/iced herbal tea
2PM
1 8oz glass of water mixed or blended with 1 scoop of VegeSplash
3PM
1 8oz glass of water and or hot/iced herbal tea
4PM
1 8oz glass of water mixed or blended with 1 scoop of Essential Greens
5-6PM
1 cup of homemade [3] puree soup
One cup of broth from soup mix
(Add braggs amino acid optional—purchase at health food store)
1 Digestive Enzyme
1 8oz glass of water
1 hot herbal tea
7PM
1oz of Aloe –optional—purchase at health food store
1 8oz glass of water and/or hot herbal tea.
7PM
Inner Cleanse Nighttime Formula- per container directions
8PM
1 teaspoon of CALM mixed with 6oz of hot water (purchase at health food store)
Optional if you have a hard time sleeping
Good Night
Congratulations you completed another day towards the new you…..
Have a healthy night sleep — Dr. Roni and James

[1] Each cup should be 6-8 oz
[2] Squeeze half a lemon in 8 oz of water
[3] All vegetable soups must be made from distilled water, natural vegetables and spices (see recipes)

Hey I think I am pretty impressed with myself after reviewing all that I did today.
It really gets easier, as far as the preparation, I have every veggie cut up and ready to go and the green drink is just mixed with water, and my anti-oxidant drink is just like I would be whipping up one of my smoothies. They are pretty good, if I don't say so myself.

Well off to relax before hitting the bed, looks like I will be probably going to bed earlier also, because of this routine deal.

Half day

So far so good, I am not hungry. I was watching the food network just a few minutes ago and thought this was not a very good idea. I am keeping in my mind that this is going to be good for me, which I know from previous experience. The end results are beneficial. It is all about my body feeling well. I just have not been well. I know that what I put into my body like junk, which has been quite a bit lately, makes me feel like junk. This is a great way for me to get me back on track. No sugar, no flour for hopefully 10 days. My cravings do decrease alot. They are still there but I am more apt to not react to the cravings if I have been without for a while.

This bug that I have is making this a little harder, I dont know whether the headache is from the virus I have or if it is from the detox. During this detox I can have some ill feelings, they say that the toxins coming out of the body makes you feel ill at times.

Well it is a very hot day here in Bakersfield, so we are staying in the house, I did get all the dogs walked this morning and gave them all baths and cutting of the vegetables and making my detox soups has kept me pretty busy in spite of me not feeling well. Amazing what I can accomplish when I put my mind to it.

I am going to go to the back and do a sitting here in a bit. I know that will be a little bit harder than the norm because I do have this massive headache. Will try my best though.

Day 1

I have not been physically well lately. I have decided to do a detox. This is day 1.
I have done this before and as a result of it I felt really well. My body was full of energy and my mind was or seemed to be clearer. I also lost around 10 lbs. I had done it for only 7 days. My goal is to do for 10-12 days.

Morning drink I mixed my antioxidant berry drink with 1/2 orange, 1/2 banana, handful of frozen blueberries and 3 mango chips then blended it with ice. Took my daily cleanse tablet and now sitting with a cup of ginger green tea. I was going to continue with my coffee, it suggests no coffee, so I am being good, going to follow directions. Pretty satisfying so far.

I am going to get a walk in a few minutes with the dogs, one at a time, and then do some meditation.

I did wake up with a very red and spotted throat this morning and yesterday I was nauseous and had a headache. I am hoping it is just viral and not a strep.

Not a long walk with the dogs, just each around the block today till I feel physically better. I thought my allergies were really bad, maybe I was coming down with something.
Oh well off to finish my yummy green ginger tea, it is quite tasty.

What a day in the Celebrity world

This has just been crazy!! This is the Michael Jackson I got to grow up with. I had Jackson 5 posters along with Donny Osmond, Bobby Sherman and David Cassidy just plastered all over mine and Jani's walls in our pink bedroom. We would look up at the ceiling and there they were even on the ceiling!! I remember when I was in Oregon Jani and I wanted to go and see the Jackson 5 and my Aunt who was taking care of us at the time, was like no way are you going to go see a black group!! I was so very upset, but we did get to go see the Osmond Brothers instead! What a great memory! I wish I would have been able to see him in his prime, like Bad album. Oh well..... Yes for me I just did not know what to think about all the controversy, my heart did go out to him, and I am sure he had a lot of baggage as a child, pretty tough stuff apparently, that being said I am saddened once again today, but yes I know we are not going to get out of this thing alive, this life thing, but what a shame. Michael you and the Jackson 5 were a very big part of my growing up! Thank you for the memories

My heart is sad

My heart is saddened this morning. Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon. 2 people I knew of only by television yet made me smile and inspired me over the years of my childhood days. My thoughts are with their families. Farrah, her time with her cancer she did with dignity and grace. My heart goes out to her son Redmond and to Ryan O'Neil and all her special people in her life.

Getting up and going

Great hike this morning in the foothills around Hart Park, Whew them hills are tough! The last 2 days have been pretty good for me, did the hike yesterday also with Debbie and got home and just got on it, errands. Going to do the same thing today. I am just taking it one day at a time, my energy level is pretty good so far. I am not going to go back to the hormonal "specialist" for now. I was really tossing it around quite a bit in my mind yesterday, maybe one more blood test just might tell me what I need to hear or what I want to hear, Nope not going to do it. Did pretty good on my food stuff, last night, did go to the basque resturant with the Joe and Charlie gang for dinner, did not make too many bad choices, 2 pieces of their bread with butter and salsa, no french fries, ate the salad and that was it for the set ups, my entree was the butternut squash ravioli, did not eat the whole thing, progress for me. I am going to ease up on myself, what I did last night was good choices, before yesterday I would have been telling myself, bad bad Joni for just going to that resturant! It is going to be ok. I just want to feel healthy again, and I will.

Great Quote

No Way Out
Life is endless. We are all in the very middle of it. We alone are responsible. There is no way out except through it.–Ajahn Sumano Bhikkhu with Emily Popp, from Meeting the Monkey Halfway (Weiser)

I am learning today that I have to just go through it. Even when it does not "feel good". I am responsible for how I feel, how my reactions to my lifes directions take me, I am responsible. My life will end when it is suppose to end. I am so grateful for the life I do have to day and am participating in my life to the best of my ability, sometimes harder on some days than others. That is ok today.

Up Early!!!! With Gratitude in my life!

My little critters definitely keep my life going. Woke up this morning at 4 with a whiner in her kennel. Usually that means let me out I have to go poop or pee, well oops I guess I did not hear her early enough, poor thing was up as far as she could to the cage door with her back to me, she pooped and then threw up, I would too if I had to smell that for however long. So 4 A.M. I am outside cleaning the kennel. Poor her!!

I am thankful today, and yesterday especially. I love my sponsor.

I am grateful for who I am today, warts and all.
I am also very grateful for who I was.

I am so very grateful for what I have today.
I am so very grateful for what I don't have.

I am so very grateful for where I am at today in my spiritual journey.
I am so very grateful for my self-inflicted abuse before my sobriety, therefore bringing me where I am today in my spiritual journey.

I am grateful for my past mistakes, past choices that took me to places I was not comfortable with, didn't want to deal with.
I am grateful for my choices today, good, bad or even the indifferent ones and the consequences as a result of those choices.

I am so grateful for my Higher Power, for just being and not knowing what or who that Higher Power is, it just is.

I am so grateful for my gratitude today.
I am also very grateful for the days that I am not so grateful.

I am so grateful for my life, for just me.
I am so grateful for my friends in my life, for just being them.

I am so grateful for my family, for loving me in spite of who I can be, good, not so good and just me.

A thought

I read today on my vegetarian site....not vegan, have the desire at times, great recipes.....


Do I live to eat... or do I eat to live....

The last I don't know how long, I have really been struggling with my obsession with my food. I feel that I have been living to eat, it has been my constant thought. I am not feeling well as a result of that, my mind, body and spirit.

I am going do my best to apply that thought when an obsession over food, when or what I am having for my next meal as I take my last bite on my plate during that meal, I want to eat to live. That for me means that I am not focusing on my every thought of when, how, what and just stay in the moment of what ever it is and when the food comes in the moment it is suppose to then my thought will be... is it necessary, (the food I am putting in my mouth or wanting to put in my mouth at that moment) do I eat to live or am I living to eat......