Dont Do Anything

My sitting this morning was a little anxious,a whole lot of effort to continue with the sit. I finished it. That was how I felt, just finish it.



Another Aha moment in my readings this morning, I read this and wanted to keep in my memory for further use in my daily stuff.

The chapter that I started reading titled The Sacred Pause: Resting under the Bodhi Tree. The story goes:

In the 1950's a few highly trained pilots in the Air Force were set a life or death task- to fly at altitudes higher than ever before attempted. Going beyond the earths denser atmosphere, they found, much to their horror, that the ordinary laws of aerodynamics no longer existed. As Tom Wolfe describes it in the Right Stuff " a plane could skid into a flat spin, like a cereal bowl on a waxed Formica counter, and then start tumbling- not spinning and diving but tumbling end over end."
The first pilots to face this challenge responded by frantically trying to stabilize their planes, applying correction after correction. The more furiously they manipulated the controls, the wilder the ride became. Screaming helplessly to ground controls, "what do I do next?" they would plunge to their deaths.
This tragic drama occurred several times until one of the pilots, Chuck Yeager, inadvertently struck upon a solution. When his plane began tumbling, Yeager was thrown violently around the cockpit and knocked out. Unconscious, he plummeted toward earth. Seven miles later, the plane reentered the planets denser atmosphere, where standard navigation strategies could be implemented. Yeager came to, steadied the craft and landed safely. He had discovered the only lifesaving response that was possible in this desperate situation: DON'T DO ANYTHING. Take your hands off the controls. This solution, as Wolfe puts it, was "the only choice you had." It countered all training and even basic survival instincts, but it worked.

a plane could skid into a flat spin, like a cereal bowl on a waxed Formica counter, and then start tumbling- not spinning and diving but tumbling end over end."
This can be my life, when I am trying to control the outcome. Grasping, the desperate feeling and then the crashing.

It countered all training and even basic survival instincts....
My survival instincts is to be completely immersed in the problem. Manipulating the outcome. Continual movement: mental planning and worrying, habitual talking, fixing, scratching, adjusting, phoning, snacking, discarding, buying, looking in the mirror. Completely engrossed in what needs to be fixed or just do something to not feel. (the continual movement was in the book and I so identify with them).

Mental planning, worrying. Moms life. I can honestly say at this point in all that has been going on around me, moms life, I have been in the "the only choice I have", things have really done well in its own course and not what I have or had planned for "moms Life".
Jerrica's life: the pausing when I have the feelings of grasping or the what do I do next, has definitely made my relationship with her father much more pleasant, even in the circumstances. I just get to do my part, and no matter what he says or does, that I feel is not right or hurts my feelings, (ego) I have been using the just pause, and let go of what I would have really said, and wait for the skilled response instead.

You know I just get to do the next indicated skilled thing, what ever it is pertaining to. I am not perfect, I don't have all the answers. I am just not responding the way my feelings first come up as. It has made my life so much more simpler today, and I get to look around and really see the way it is to unfold, in my life, my granddaughters life, my daughters life and my mothers life. I just get to be.

Sitting

Bits of Right Mind, lots of mass destruction, filled with a little bit of chaos (my sitting)

The feeling of no thinking

Going to the gym again, feeling a bit more healthy.

Have been having some anxiety during the day and mostly at night. When I have these "symptoms" I try to think of ok what is the cause, it is more than likely something that is deeply embedded in my thinking.
When looking for a just right picture for my post this morning, I saw the one above and then I remembered oh shit, I am going on a plane in about 2 weeks or so, around the 27th of this month. It hit me, inner anxiety. I am hoping to sit before that time and just breathe and know that I am ok today and that is where I need to be just in the moment and when I get on that plane, that is it I am just getting on the plane.

Quote from the book I am reading:
"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."
Carl Rogers
Loved it

Off and running this morning now, gym, take mom to hopefully be accepted into a 65 and over community. Will talk with the siblings later, regarding moms future as far as a home. and then get to do some Math testing. All is good.

Wow Readings for me today

From the book Radical Acceptance
Tara Brach, Ph.D.
During an all night vigil, the Buddha looked deeply into his own suffering. His amazing insight was that all suffering or dissatisfaction arises from a mistaken understanding that we are a separate and distinct self.

My thought:

When I am in self, which is all too familiar, I experience many thoughts, emotions and patterns of behavior. It is not something that I have been proud of. The book talks about the trance of unworthiness; example: I went to bed last night feeling great and refreshed after my meeting with my friends for meditation. Went to Barnes and Noble (Idol on tonight) picked up this book and a few others, and went home got the dogs settled, talked with the husband a bit and went off to my room to do some great reading. Great readings done, turned light off and then the mind would not go to sleep, got up (on ambien now) went to couch do not remember anything after that until awakening, awoke with a chocolate bar in my covers, looked in kitchen trash and sink and found food that I had eaten last night, immediately went to the trance of unworthiness. When is this going to stop, why do I do that to myself, I feel fat and bloated. All those thoughts of unworthiness came up within an instant of remembering. The crazy thing about it is that I was completely not in control of what I had done after ambien! But I can still go there and be completely worthless in my thoughts of myself. Then the thinking of I cant go out and go to the gym, why bother it is not going to change, this is all a waste of time. You talk about the whole mind creating this whole fabricated story, that then I start to experience as being the truth!! My mind is so dangerous for me.

Then I read on:
"Wanting and fearing are natural energies, part of evolutions design to protect us and help us to thrive. But when they become the core of our identity, we lose sight of the fullness of our being. We become identified with, at best, only a sliver of our natural being- a sliver that perceives itself as incomplete, at risk and separate from the rest of the world. If our sense of who we are is defined by feelings of neediness and insecurity, we forget that we are also curious,humorous and caring. We forget about the breath that is nourishing us, the love that unites us, the enormous beauty and fragility that is our shared experience in being alive. Most basically, we forget the pure awareness, the radiant wakefulness that is our Buddha nature."

Thoughts:
I forget that I am caring, sometimes funny, very curious about life and the fullness around me, I totally forget that the breath that I breathe is nourishing me, and that my love for my family and many others is what definitely unites me with all beings, I forget that my life is beautiful and fragile and that I desire to have the experience of being alive! I don't want to be separate from others, and my awareness today is that I am separate from others when my mind is in control of my thoughts which then causes many emotions and behaviors.
I want more than just a sliver of what this experience of life has to offer. This brings me thoughts of way long time ago, when I was very young, maybe 2ND grade right when we moved to Bakersfield, riding my skates around the blocks on the sidewalks of Highland Knolls, not a care in the world, no threats, no fears, no despair, just me and my twin sister riding the walks and feeling the fun, excitement, the fun fear of not falling, the laughter of life. I cherish that memory. I need to find my breath again. I am wanting to experience the true meaning of my life, my happiness, live in the Now.
That is where I am at today, I am going to go and become aware of the trances of unworthiness today, and make note of them and then let them go,
Do I accept my body as it is?
Do I accept my mind as it is?
Do I accept my emotions and moods as they are?
Do I feel I'm a bad person because of ways I behave?

Thought:
When I accept these thoughts and not judge myself for these thoughts, I become conscious of them and their power over my life is lost.

I need to be reminded constantly

Walk in Dry Places

Mental Arguments are bad Thinking .…..Serenity

Again and again we hear that bad thinking and drinking are linked together. Bad thinking is any line of thought that tends to be destructive. Mental arguments are in that class because they destroy peace of mind and self-control. We can avoid them by learning acceptance and maintaining serenity at all costs.

Sometimes we engage in mental arguments with those who seem to have defeated us or put us down. This only gives more life to the hurt we have been feeling: in effect, we cooperate in hurting ourselves repeatedly. Even the satisfaction of letting ourselves "win" the mental argument doesn't really settle the matter.

We can maintain our serenity in all situations by accepting people as they are. We are not responsible for changing their opinions. We must also accept and dismiss past mistakes and failures, no matter who was at fault. We owe it to ourselves not to destroy another moment's happiness with futile mental arguments that serve no good purpose in our lives.

Once we dismiss mental arguments, we can give our time and attention to things that really matter.

I will not waste a single second on any kind of mental argument. Anything another person said or did is forgiven and forgotten, and it has no power to hurt me a second time.

Daily Reflections

TAKING ACTION

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us--sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 84

One of the most important things A.A. has given me, in addition to freedom from booze, is the ability to take"right action." It says the promises will ALWAYS materialize if I WORK for them. Fantasizing about them,debating them, preaching about them and faking them just won't work. I'll remain a miserable, rationalizing dry drunk. By taking action and working the Twelve Steps in all my affairs, I'll have a life beyond my wildest dreams.

This was in complete form yesterday when dealing with my Mom yesterday. The thinking, thinking, thinking was going on when I walked into my older sisters house, where mom is temporarily staying at this time. She had this look of doom and despair and then she kept saying all kinds of negative, expectations of how people should have treated her in the past and that nothing is ever going to work for her because of how everyone else has treated her, she even said a couple of times of how she is a victim.
I love my mom dearly, but YUUUUUUUUUCK!!!
What I saw was me, the way I was about 12 years ago and then some, because my thinking did not change over night just because I got sober. I have gotten to learn a lot of ways to get out of me and into others. It has taken a while. Action for me means a lot of things. Action is not only putting myself out there physically, it means that I have to mentally get out of my way. My head is a big liar most of the time. If I keep listening to that stuff then I become one miserable, I mean miserable person and today I really do not like being there.
I have wished for a long time that my mom would do for herself and get counseling, Alanon, or what ever other programs are out there for people of her type, but at this point the bottom line is that she still believes, BELIEVES, that they are all responsible and she is not.

Until I was ready to take responsibility in all my affairs, ALL MY AFFAIRS, completely honest with my self, then I was able to be somewhat free from my mind and my thinking started getting better and better.

My action for me today is not just not taking the drink, my action for me is doing the daily routine stuff of what I have learned from a lot of others in AA, suggestions is what they are called, Meditation, making phone calls, going to meetings, GOYA therapy (get of your ass) even when I dont FEEL like it, helping others, and knowing that I am not GOD but there is a power higher than myself that gets me through the days that I just dont FEEL LIKE IT ANYMORE.

What a life today, I get to participate in my moms life, there is always hope I say for our family members, yes I can not hold my breath, but I do get to help her do the best she can and maybe with my example of living she may find her way. Sometimes it seems hopeless, but I do believe in hope, so then it is not hopeless.

Sitting, I am the walrus

"I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together", "I'm with you and you're with me and we are all together." I am the walrus
This is what went through my mind this morning during my meditation. I had thoughts in and out of the song from the Beatles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yNcE8c3j2M
(I do not know how to just add the damn thing, so here is the click on it thingy, not to savvy on the computer) Maybe someone can give me some tips about U-Tube. anyway back to my thoughts.

After my meditation I ususally will go and do some reading and this is what I first read:

Journey to the Center …

"[G]o to your center first, before you go anywhere else. "
Melody Beattie, Journey to the Heart

It happened at the Agape Soul Sisters Retreat last year on the beautiful morning of July 27th. All dressed in summer white, 220 divine women from far and wide, experiencing all stations in life, gathered for our special Sunday service. We’d spent the weekend communing with each other, with God. We prayed and sang and danced and ate and walked and hiked and exercised and laughed and cried. We did it all together, even when we took precious moments to ourselves. We surrendered, we let go, we committed to our continued growth, to change and to standing in our power! As the meditation was about to begin, Rev. Greta Sesheta said something about not rushing off to another place or thought. I quickly scribbled down “don’t rush off to another thought” and that got me remembering just how many times I do rush off to other thoughts—thoughts that take me away from the joy of The Now, away from my divinely peaceful center, and into thoughts of confusion, busy-ness, sadness; of people, events, and of times gone by or not yet here.
In her book, Journey to the Heart, Melody Beattie says, “If you must leave your center to learn a lesson, feel a feeling or experience something new, do that. Take all the side trips you are called to. But come back to your center when you’re done.” Those side trips may take us to places that feel anything but peaceful, joyful or centered, but they do serve as reminders to come back, to turn within, to visit the Secret Place of the Most High, our own consciousness, the place where God IS. So, don’t rush off—but, if you do, don’t stay away too long. Come back to the place of peace, love and joy.
Come home.

I'm not sure what this song and this reading have to do with each other, but for me "I am the walrus" does make me think that we are all intertwined, and it does give the thoughts of confusion, busy-ness and of people, events, and of times gone by or not yet here.

I had a lot of other thoughts when I was reading this passage, I thought I definitely do leave my post, my purpose of sitting, and go to many places, which do cause me feelings of happy, anxiety, peace, joy. It is amazing how many times I can have so many different feelings in just a matter of 30 minutes. I do want to keep continuing in this journey to "the Secret Place" Of my Higher Powers "most High". I am searching for the center and I am doing what I think is the best that I can.

I hope the Video uploads so you can all enjoy one of my favorite Beatles videos!

Under the weather in Bakersfield

Grey skies......... yuck. It could be worse, it could be snowing everyday like in Utah where my 87 year old Aunt lives, she is not digging it but she gets by. I have a very bad chest cold that I think may be getting better, lot of gook coming up when I cough. Taking Gregs antibiotic for his bronchitis he gets every year. Suppose to be some good meds to take care of all kinds of bacteria in the lungs and skin. (thats what it said)

Mom is back in California, she is living at Phyllis' right now, temporary. We are hoping to get her a place within a month or 2. It is good to see her, she looks really good, healthy and smiling most of the time.

Its all good.

"I believe there is an important distinction to be made between religion and spirituality. Religion I take to be concerned with belief in the claims to salvation of one faith tradition or another--an aspect of which is acceptance of some form of meta-physical or philosophical reality, including perhaps an idea of heaven or hell. Connected with this are religious teachings or dogma, ritual, prayers and so on. Spirituality I take to be concerned with those qualities of the human spirit--such as love and compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, contentment, a sense of responsibility, a sense of harmony, which bring happiness to both self and others."

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

I know for my experience with Religion versus Spirituality, I rarely felt the love, compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, contentment,sense of responsibility and rarely any harmony when I was all up into the religion. I remember not tolerating others in the church, love was not for real, and sense of responsibility fell into the category of a duty because I did not want the God of my religion to "not be able to look upon me"!! Wow what a difference it is today, I love and have compassion today and can feel it for others, I do have more patience and I do tolerate those around me, I do have forgiveness for others and have contentment of my life and of others today. I dont think the grass is greener on the other side anymore, what a relief! I have harmony most of the time with others and the real change is when I dont I can be aware of it and make the choice to see my attitude and change it and so I do have happiness with my self and most others.

My Metta For The Day

Quote:
Love All Things New Love is the victor in every case. Love breaks down the iron bars of thought, shatters the walls of material belief...and sets the captive free.
Ernest Holmes, Living the Science of Mind

My reading for the day: (hope you enjoy, whom ever reads this) Great time to sit

Let your love be a rebirthing to all that it touches. Let your love raise up those who have fallen, youthen those of age, heal those in need. Let your love inspire those whose hope has dried up and let it renew each moment, each cell, each heart, beginning first with your own. Breathe love throughout your physical body. What is the color, smell and feel of love? Imagine it washing over you. Recall a simple, sweet moment of love. Love with family, friends, or partner. A moment of pure love sparked in nature or in communing with Spirit. Breathe that love into your heart. Let it rest you in this moment. Let it freshen your spirit. Feel the cells in your body plump up with health, wholeness, and vitality as love nourishes every organ, action, and function within you. Now let love wash over your environment. Bless it with order, cleanliness, and beauty. Know in this moment that the environment you keep either flourishes or depletes you. Let this be an inspired moment of declaration. This day I fill my living, working, and driving environment with love. I declare my environment God’s environment and treat it accordingly. Continue rising up in your love-ability by blessing this day. Declare this day Love’s Day. Let it have its way with you. Let your smiling heart awaken within you any areas that have become stuck or inflexible. Now, while you are overflowing with love, send a tsunami of love around the world. Include the people you like and those that you do not because, in truth, we are all inextricably connected emanations from the one source that is God. Let freedom and liberation be the dance of our time and let us get there by loving all things new.


Affirmation:

Love is my pathway to freedom. I gratefully accept my life’s call to walk as Love. Every day, in every way, I am the love of God.
Julie Moret

Reminds me to redirect my thinking. Reading this Windy morning

"The Great Humbling What makes humility so desirable is the marvelous thing it does to us; it creates in us a capacity for the closest possible intimacy with God." Monica Baldwin

"We come nearest to the great when we are great in humility."
Rabindranath Tagore

Our re-qualifying economy has been in the forefront of people’s minds for several months, with many references made to the Great Depression: When will things turn around? How bad will it get? I am not an Economist, but a Spiritualist. Not a “Spiritualist” in the psychic sense, but in the vein of believing there’s a spiritual solution to every problem, and that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. There is always a basic order in the Universe—things don’t just “happen” but, rather, amalgamations of thought cause our personal and collective worldly experience. Therefore, I believe the opportunity that lies before us is not one of Great Depression but, rather, Great Humbling. Just as a laid-off person or one with a failing business has two ways to proceed—to either rail “Woe is me!” at the heavens because this wasn’t what they expected, or to open up to something new wanting to emerge within and through them—so too do we have the opportunity to choose how we will either contribute to or detract from our overall economic re-qualification. Gossiping about “how bad it is” only adds fuel to the thought that this is a wrong experience for us to be having. Questions asked of ourselves such as “Am I putting God first? Do I perceive a friendly and supportive Universe that is conspiring for my good? Am I willing to be a channel for God’s will? Am I practicing service, gratitude and appreciation on a daily basis?” can all forward the personal re-qualification that then amalgamates to a global one. Re-qualification is a process of refinement through Grace, whereby all of what we perceive to be mistakes and missteps of the past are purified and put to God’s good use. Let us all take part in this Great Humbling to find the Will and Grace of God in humility.

Affirmation:
God, grant me the humility to be a vessel of your Will.

Busy day today, Have done my meditation and am on my way to getting ready for the Alano Club and an appointment with a BC Counselor!! Walking through the fear of not being able to decide what I would like to really be doing with my education and possibly another career! We shall see today!
Darrell W. Gurney

Before I forget It, I post it.

Life is not a problem to be solved; it is a mystery to be lived. As each of us takes responsibility for unfolding the mystery of being that is our individual life, we open to ourselves, we see more deeply into the treasure house that is us and realize that we have a vital contribution to make to our world. This is how we begin to express the totality of being that we are, the unity that we are. There is nothing that compares to the discovery of who and what we really are and taking responsibility for it.

Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith

I am going to meditate. I am done with my readings, a great morning so far! I have to just stay out of the way.

Fun from my Sister in Law Paula

Reminded me of the good old days of comedy, Clean fun.

I Do Make Mistakes

If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down.

-Mary Pickford


I am so grateful that I can look at what I think are horrible mistakes and even when my thinking is that I am not going to get back to the place I once was; health,fitness,emotional and spiritual, someone sends me some quotes and here is my answer. I get to read blogs from my friends and get inspired again and know that these feelings I am having about self are just that, feelings, and I can physically and mentally do something about the negative and look to the positive. I just dont have to stay down.

My mistakes, or bad decisions today are not like they use to be. In the past they were in some cases life threatening to me or to my loved ones. My choices in the past never always just effected me, I still believe that today. Bad choices and good choices do not just effect me, it is a domino effect in all things of life.

When I am emotionally down, I feel it is all about me and only effects me, so not true. My emotional effects my family from my husband, kids, granddaughter, friends,even down to my animals. Man what an EGO.

I feel like I have been failing lately in all aspects of my life journey, but after looking at it differently this morning, I am just going to pick my self up and continue on this path. Keep moving forward, I stopped moving forward.